Last night my girlfriend Sissy and were watching 'Preachers of LA' when she suddenly dropped her cake, starred at the ceiling, then turned to me and declared I had an anointing on me. Oh crap! I don't know the scientific names for spiders, but I know I do not want them on me - I jumped up and flailed around the living room pleading for Sissy to kill it. She calmly informed me that this anointing is a special juju given by God that qualifies certain people to preach stuff while dressed like a pimp and driving new Bentleys. I immediately dropped to my knees in a spirit of thankfulness, as I've never dreamed of owning a Bentley, especially a new one.
While looking for a way to make a few extra bucks until the Scooter Van Neuter.com revenue streams increase begin, I had briefly considered being a preacher until I noticed the pastor of our large church drove a crappy 6-year-old Toyota Camry. What God seemed to be telling Sissy now was that I could be that rock star figure on stage and also openly live like one, too as long as I was willing to do it at a poor, black inner city church. I like some black people and literally all new luxury cars so this revelation was a good fit for me.
I couldn't make up my mind whether I could acceptably spend more of my poor congregation's offerings as a 'bishop' or 'reverend,' so I decided to go for the gold and be both. This afternoon Reverend Bishop Scooter Van Neuter and First Lady Sissy are looking for rental space in the crappy part of town. I pray we don't get car-jacked, but if we do, at least it'll be Sissy's shitbox Kia instead of my new Bentley, praise God!