I received an angry email over the piece I posted Friday about my girlfriend's sister, Spud (I don't know her real name). Apparently, a reader felt I was making fun of Spud and other transgender individuals - something I would never intentionally do. Here's the email:
Dear Scooter or whatever your stupid name is,
People like you make me sick. I suppose making fun of transgender individuals makes you feel somehow superior. I guess you don't care what transgender kids or adults think when they see your cruel words, but I sure as hell do. My nephew Ronnie is trannied to the max, but let me tell you something - he may have killer tits and throw like a spaz, but he's ten times a better person than you'll ever hope to be. I hope you rot in hell for the hate you're inflicting on people like Ronnie.
Please go f*ck yourself.
Have you written to me before? It seems like it. Anyway, relating my family member's struggle with "identity" is hardly making fun. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I believe in loving all people*, at least to a certain point.
The only issue I do have with this whole transgender thing is where does it end? I had a friend in college who took too much acid and for six hours "identified" as a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Seriously, a couple of us grabbed his feet and pushed him around the dorm until he passed out from choking on a candy bar wrapper and some hair. Because Jamie thought he was a Kirby, should we have cut off all his appendages that didn't look like a vacuum cleaner? Of course not, because anyone with the intelligence of a barbecue grill knows he wasn't a Kirby, despite the fact he had excellent suction and a large bag (that's a joke - we weren't homos).
When it's all said and done, God made my retarded roommate a guy, Spud a girl, and your nephew Ronnie whatever the hell he/she started out as. My suggestion to you is stop writing these stupid emails and get Ronnie to a center for some serious electroshock therapy before he really gets weird.
PS: For medical reasons I'd appreciate a photo of Ronnie's uncovered chest area.
*Excluding homos, Puerto Ricans, and clowns
Jamie Hoffmeyer: Not a Kirby