No doubt a few of you think this is a story about the guy in the Bible, but that would mean you are pronouncing "job" with an "e" on the end which would be bizarre. More likely, you are excitedly anticipating a story about rolling papers - something probably 97% of you are intimately familiar with. As much as I hate to disappoint you, this story has nothing to do with either of those, but is simply about my new job, or work - something most of you are likely not familiar with.
Unfortunately, with this site's revenue streams, if there were to be any, lagging of late, I've been forced to get outside employment to make ends meet. Naturally, I was seeking an executive management position where I could implement my personal mission statement: "To productively and efficiently utilize my life skills, experience, and training to successfully achieve excellence with integrity, responsibility, and moral uprightness employing boldness and confidence with an unwavering focus on the goal of obtaining superior profitability regardless of prevailing economic conditions." Luckily, I found a perfect fit with a nearby prestigious, market-leading auto salon - "Danny's Family Car Wash."
While I'm obviously being groomed for a top management position, it's important that I learn all areas of the auto salon industry, so right now I'm pretty much in charge of the entire DSD (Driver side dry) department, one of the most sought-after positions (because of the tips). In just a few days, I enhanced my department and income level by utilizing a spent VDD (Vehicle Drying Device) as a little welcome mat in front of the door when the client takes possession of their vehicle. The trick is to deploy the VDD in front of the client so they want to reward you for going to such elaborate lengths to keep their shoes dry.
Frederico says I'm really showing leadership skills, and at the rate I'm going, I'll be a DRT (Debris Removal Tech) within possibly a few weeks. Meanwhile, I'm honing my skills by vacuuming my own car at home almost every night. I'm still working on the "pattern" (insider lingo for vacuum lines on the carpet), but my girlfriend Sissy says I'm already doing better than the fat chick who presently has the position, and that's with me drinking beer while practicing. My ultimate dream is to become ambidexteras two-handed, so I can do the DR in half the time, not to mention how cool I'll look while doing it. As soon as I get enough tip money, I'm going to buy a second vacuum so I can really perfect this exciting new technique.
I want to invite all my local readers to come by and see me. Just mention you read this site and I'll give you a special bonus - I'll actually dry the lower half of your vehicle (we usually don't do that because it means bending over). As a special offer, for extra large tips over a dollar, I'll also dry your wheels*!
*This offer good for a limited time and may not be combined with any other bonus or offer. Wheels larger than 17" are not included, nor is individual drying of exposed lug nuts, whether real or decorative. Offer includes only surface area - side surfaces or any area on wheel barrel is not included. Some moisture may remain.