My girlfriend Sissy and me decided Friday to have a family pool party for the Fourth of July. I found a great pool at Wal-Mart that had all the features I wanted (except for a diving board, which I could make). It took a couple of hours to set it up, and all Friday night to fill, but by Saturday morning it looked almost exactly like a swimming pool you'd find at a major discount motel - it was that nice. I couldn't find anything to make a diving board out of, but luckily the pool was close enough to the house that the roof would suffice if one got a really good run.
Unfortunately, none of the family was able to make it except for SIssy's mom, Bambi, and little sister Spud (I don't think that's her real name). I broke out my Margaritaville drink maker and after taking an hour or so to clean it out, had it purring like a kitten which was bizarre since it's more like a small appliance. Sissy did a party tray of Jeno's pizza rolls and those delightful little cocktail weenies on toothpicks that I love so much. Bambi brought her usual - a bottle of Jack Daniels for herself, and a pony keg of Miller High Life for Spud. She also brought a whole cooler full of her famous deviled eggs - yum!
With the boombox blasting Neil Diamond, we proceeded to party like rock stars all afternoon, stopping only to refill our glasses and go pee (except for Spud who pretty much stayed in the pool with the floating cooler, eating eggs and drinking beer). By late afternoon, the Margaritaville suddenly died in a shower of sparks as I pushed it past its limits. Sissy was passed out on the patio in a puddle of urine and in the pool things were getting weird. Spud, who's mildly retarded to begin with, was straddling the pony keg, which she had named "Flicka" and dunken Bambi, as she does most major holidays, had ditched her top and was dancing like a fiend - It looked like she was trying to shake off rabid albino manatees attacking her torso. I, on the other hand, was in pretty good shape save for the fact I was wearing a dress, missing all my chest hair, and had little cocktail weenies jammed up my nose.
As it got darker it was finally time to set off some fireworks. After waking Sissy up, we dredged Spud's shriveled body out of the pool and made Bambi put her top back on just before I turned permanently gay. Spud wanted to wave a sparkler around so I gave her one, relieved she didn't want a firecracker which she would have undoubtedly either put in her butt or thrown at us.
Unfortunately, my fun-fueled brain neglected to calculate the inevitable result of mixing 60 deviled eggs with a pony keg of warm Miller High Life beer, and in the apparent excitement of wielding her favorite firework, Spud honked a hot one just as I lit the sparkler. The ensuing scene was like something out of Backdraft as Spud's lower half was engulfed in a momentary flash fire that melted her swimsuit bottom and gave her third-degree burns on her pooper. Her screams sounded like a hyena being electrocuted via battery cables clamped to its little nuts - a sound I will never forget.
Anyway, outside of Sissy's sister needing a skin graft, and me getting a nasty sinus infection, a great time was had by all. Next year I'm going to make that diving board.