Those of you who know me obviously are not surprised by my overnight rise to super-stardom, and everyone who hasn't known me now knows me like no other, thanks to my no-compromise talents, no-nonsense drive, and never-say-no attitude.
Since my last story, a lot has happened in my life. Here's the highlights:
- I bought a new 16,000 sq. ft. home (well, leased it - same difference) in the Hollywood Hills. It has a movie theater, sauna, gym, wine cellar, ten-car garage, and all the toilets can also be used as drinking fountains. The closet in our bedroom is so big, I'm turning it into a ninth bedroom in case we have company.
- I bought my girlfriend Sissy a whole new designer wardrobe and a pair of hooters so big they have their own gravitational pull - thanks be to God.
- I traded my Hyundai for a new Bentley and Range Rover. As an homage, I had them both painted white to match the Storm Trooper costume I wore in my latest movie.
- I hired some Negros to do things around the house and several Mexicans to do things in the yard. I make them call me "Sir" and throw my phone at them if they dare to make eye contact.
- I picked up a $1000-a-day cocaine habit - I feel it gives my acting an edge that should carry me far. I also picked up a nasty STD but haven't had time to ask Sissy what's up. This kind of thing is pretty normal out here, and not that big a deal.
I'm not telling you these things to make you feel bad about your life, I'm doing it to positively influence people as a way of "paying back" to society for the blessings I've received. I think you know where I'm going with this. Look, if someone like me who was only semi-famous but very intelligent and handsome can become an incredible success, almost anyone can. Never be afraid to dream big and don't let anyone, whether a doctor or even your girlfriend, tell you your dreams are too big - they're your dreams - go for it!
Onward and upward.