If you've been following the events of the last week or so, you know that my (former) girlfriend Sissy went psycho after a brief imprisonment. Her 3-day jailhouse love affair with Mungo not only turned Sissy lesbo, but apparently trannie (sexual, not mission) as well. Now, in addition to grooming, dressing, and acting like a guy (Hank), she's talking about getting permanently physically altered, and that's where I draw the line.
After doing some research on behavior modification, I went to Radio Shack and bought some alligator clips, a switch, and some wire. I then went to my local farm supply store and purchased an electric fence energizer (hog/small pony). After a little soldering, I spent the rest of the afternoon creating a therapeutic DVD that, if used properly, would scientifically reprogram Sissy's brain functions back to normal.
After dinner, I mixed up some margaritas. In Sissy's I added a half bottle of Nyquil and in no time she was sound asleep in the La-Z-Boy. I very gingerly duct-taped her to the chair, then affixed the alligator clips to what I considered to be the most logical mounting points. I loaded the DVD, turned on the TV, dimmed the lights, and softly woke Sissy.
I should have been an anasthesiologist anastisiologist person who sedates people, as the Nyquil and tequila worked perfectly. Instead of waking up angry as she usually does, Sissy quietly laid there, semi-catatonically staring at the images of male models and myself in a thong scrolling across the TV screen to a soft jazz soundtrack. At the risk of being immodest, I have to say that the video really looked great, with production values rarely seen outside of Hollywood.
Exactly four minutes in, the screen was briefly filled with the image of a female jail inmate accompanied by the sound of a blaring air horn. I flicked the switch and sent a powerful electric shock into Sissy that made her whole body jump. I turned off the switch as images of myself and male models resumed to the soothing sounds of soft jazz. It was like something you'd see at the Mayo Clinic! Over the next hour, I repeated the process until one of Sissy's nipples started smoking and she passed out - an indication that the brainwaves had returned to normal.
I'm pleased to report that since freeing her from the chair this morning, Sissy's been acting what I would consider to be almost normal. While she still appears incapable of communicating, she did change from her urine soaked jeans to a sun dress, and even put on some makeup (thank God).
Only time will tell if Sissy needs more therapy, but for now things are getting back to normal, and that's a good thing.