When I was in grade school, we watched a movie about the wonders of the human body. I can't remember the exact name of the film, but it was something like "The Wonders Of The Human Body." Anyway, as I've gotten older and wiser I realize the human body, while admittedly complicated, isn't all that wonderful. In fact, all bodily functions are simply disgusting, but in my opinion none more so than the expelling of hot fumes created by decaying matter after they've marinated in a dark, moist room full of poop. Yes, I'm talking butt breath.
So knowing how I feel, why does my girlfriend Sissy think it's acceptable, even amusing, to constantly fart out loud? It's not lady-like and frankly I'm embarrassed by her behavior (last Thanksgiving, Sissy farted at the table and my great grandmother got sick, for God's sake). The only reason I've put up with it all this time is because Sissy's the whole package, but after what we just went through, those days are over.
Here's what happened: Last night Sissy whipped up some of her delicious egg salad and cabbage rolls, and combined with a twelve pack of Guinness Stout, we pretty much had a feast. Later, when I was brushing my teeth, Sissy cut a silent-but-deadly number behind me that was so strong it actually flavored my toothpaste. Sissy knows that brushing my teeth with fart is one of my worst phobias, so naturally she thought this was hilarious. I soon got my revenge when I managed to sneak up on her while she was showering, and cracking the door a couple inches, honked a hot one into the tiny enclosed area that soon had her begging for mercy. We were even. Or so I thought.
Shortly after falling asleep, I was having my usual dream where I'm wrestling a large yak when suddenly I woke to find myself pinned under the covers by Sissy's considerable muscularity. I knew what was coming, and as I desperately thrashed to free myself, the stillness of the night was splintered by a basso profondo foghorn blast and accompanying air pressure spike so severe that both my eardrums sustained permanent damage. I held my breath for as long as humanly possible, then there was...... absolutely nothing.
I was floating toward this brilliant light and as I got closer I saw Jesus with his arms outstretched. He said to me, "Scooter, your time isn't up on earth. You must go back." Just then, I opened my eyes and found myself on the bedroom floor being attended to by several paramedics.
What had started out as harmless fun had turned deadly serious, as Sissy's extreme 'dutch oven' nearly cost me my life. A doctor later told me that one more cabbage roll, or 5 more seconds in that tent of death would have likely killed me. As it is, I lost most of my hearing, approximately 12% of my lung capacity, and literally all sense of smell. The good news is Sissy has sworn to never fart again, and for that I thank Jesus.