Fan Mail

I received an angry email over the piece I posted Friday about my girlfriend's sister, Spud (I don't know her real name). Apparently, a reader felt I was making fun of Spud and other transgender individuals - something I would never intentionally do. Here's the email:

Dear Scooter or whatever your stupid name is,

People like you make me sick. I suppose making fun of transgender individuals makes you feel somehow superior. I guess you don't care what transgender kids or adults think when they see your cruel words, but I sure as hell do. My nephew Ronnie is trannied to the max, but let me tell you something - he may have killer tits and throw like a spaz, but he's ten times a better person than you'll ever hope to be. I hope you rot in hell for the hate you're inflicting on people like Ronnie.

Please go f*ck yourself.

Ronnie's Uncle

Have you written to me before? It seems like it. Anyway, relating my family member's struggle with "identity" is hardly making fun. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I believe in loving all people*, at least to a certain point.

The only issue I do have with this whole transgender thing is where does it end? I had a friend in college who took too much acid and for six hours "identified" as a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Seriously, a couple of us grabbed his feet and pushed him around the dorm until he passed out from choking on a candy bar wrapper and some hair. Because Jamie thought he was a Kirby, should we have cut off all his appendages that didn't look like a vacuum cleaner? Of course not, because anyone with the intelligence of a barbecue grill knows he wasn't a Kirby, despite the fact he had excellent suction and a large bag (that's a joke - we weren't homos).

When it's all said and done, God made my retarded roommate a guy, Spud a girl, and your nephew Ronnie whatever the hell he/she started out as. My suggestion to you is stop writing these stupid emails and get Ronnie to a center for some serious electroshock therapy before he really gets weird.

PS: For medical reasons I'd appreciate a photo of Ronnie's uncovered chest area.

*Excluding homos, Puerto Ricans, and clowns

 Jamie Hoffmeyer: Not a Kirby