Scooter Van Neuter

As I've been pondering the field of presidential hopefuls, I can't help but wonder what they'd do to the White House.

I think I speak for us all when I say that after the painful spectacle of Barack and Mooch filling this cherished landmark with a bunch of gaudy, carved African shit, we've had our fill with unimaginative, style-challenged pinheads. The White House is our house - for God's sake let's not put somebody in there who's going to mess it up (again)!

So what kind of decorating could we expect from these candidates?

It goes without saying that Hillary would drag in a bunch of mismatched Herculon upholstered mid 70s furniture, ceramic clowns, and maybe even a few pieces of good stuff she stole from the White House when she and the First Horndog left the last time. We could only hope this time they put down carpet runners in the back hallways to protect the rugs from Bill's bodily fluids (fun fact: Under black light the entire hallway off of the Oval Office still glows, including the ceiling.(?) While technically a biohazard site, staffers refer to the area as "Fukushima" and avoid it as much as possible).

You know Marco Rubio would fill the White House with a bunch of cheap crap representing his Hispanic heritage, like wall-mounted hubcaps and colorful blankets that would look more at home covering the exposed springs on the front seat of a '72 Impala. No doubt, he'll replace the carpets with saltillo tile and fill the place with a buttload of dirty little clay pots and ceramic lizards.

Jeb Bush, being fairly unimaginative, would probably leave the White House as it is and just add a bunch of kegerators, a few golf posters, and maybe a tasteful portrait of his topless wife over the main fireplace.

Rand Paul would undoubtedly fill the place with Nazi memorabilia and probably some hidden trapdoors. Also, maybe some peepholes where he could be naked and watch visitors and the staff.

Good grief, what happened to class?

I'll tell you - his name is Donald Trump and I'd pay money to have this guy renovate 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Look, the Donald's taste is well known - only the best. Isn't that what a place like the White House deserves? Who wouldn't want to get rid of all those crappy antiques and creaky, mismatched and uncomfortable furniture in favor of luxurious, classically-styled, over-stuffed designer pieces, snow-white, fluffy wool carpets, gilded gold fixtures, acres of glistening marble - all accented by a buttload of priceless brass and gold objects d' art? I sure as hell would.

I trust Donald Trump to make the White House better than ever. Who do you want decorating your house?