This afternoon I returned to the office after lunch to find my computers, copy machine, Margaritaville margarita maker, and over $14 in petty cash missing, along with my new assistant, Shaquandra. Also, it appears somebody had pooped on my desk. Needless to say, I was livid.
Look, I'm not a person to surrender to racial stereotypes, but the facts speak for themselves: Within 24 hours of hiring a black stripper named Shaquandra, she stole everything in the office of value and pooped on my new Ikea desk. I guess the obvious question is, how could I have been so naive? Or for those of you with liberal arts degrees - what the hell was I thinking?
How could I be so blinded by my white privilege not to realize that Shaquandra was obviously unable to survive on the salary I provided? Like the slavemasters of yesteryear, I determined what she would make, never even caring if $47K per year (plus medical) was sufficient, until out of desperation she was forced to steal to survive, even at the risk of losing a job she had always dreamt of.
So this is how far we've come as a people - when nearly 150 years after the abolition of slavery, a person of privilege like myself - okay, me specifically - can still hold an entire race of people in socioeconomic bondage merely to satisfy my own selfish needs. Maybe I should buy a whole plantation full of black people so I could work them in the hot fields all day - maybe that would make me happy. My racism sickens me.
I wish Shaquandra would have pooped on my hideous, colorless face instead of the desk so I could taste the full measure of justice I so richly deserve.
God, I hate myself.