Suburban Jihad

Okay, I've known for awhile something was up.

It started with my girlfriend Sissy being constantly on her computer, although that wasn't really that big a deal since she's pretty much always on the computer (Sissy has something like 700 friends on Facebook). Then, I started noticing she was selling even more crap on Ebay than normal - but not the usual stuff like her old underwear, but good stuff, like her Beanie Baby collection and her grandma's silverware. What she was doing with the money, I had no idea. I just assumed maybe she'd developed a crack habit or was saving up to get that fungus thing removed.

Then came more weirdness.

The thing that first attracted me to Sissy was naturally her curves. The old saying "if you've got it, flaunt it" was written for Sissy as she enjoys dressing sexy, but lately she's doing these ugly, dark, sack dresses. Yesterday, she took it up a notch by also wearing one of my good car wash towels on her head (she looked like a nun who ate a Buick).

Me: Is that my good microfiber towel I dry my car with?

Sissy: So what?

Me: Why is it on your head?

Sissy: I'm being modest.

Me: I don't want your stupid hair scratching the paint on my car. Go buy a scarf or something.

Sissy: You suck.

I'm also pretty sure she's stopped shaving, as my razor is still sharp, the bathtub drains, and the last time I got a glimpse under the sack it looked like she had two chinchillas in a double headlock.

But wait, it gets worse.

The other day I found her again on the bathroom rug, apparently praying to the toilet. As a religious person, this sent up all kinds of red flags, as the last thing I need is my girlfriend worshiping idols, especially in the bathroom. When I asked her why she was praying to the toilet, she said she wasn't, that the toilet just happened to be in the way of Mecca. I told her to either find another little rug or prepare to pray toward me pooping, so she left.

As I sat there, it all started coming together. After dropping the kids off at the pool, I went to her computer and pulled up her emails. What I found made my blood run cold - Sissy had been sucked into ISIS and was making arrangements to go to Syria.

Holy Pope-on-a-rope, jihad has come to my house.

Sissy praying to the turd god