It seems like lately my girlfriend Sissy and I have been arguing a lot. Last night it was about fish, of all things:
Sissy: We really should eat more fish.
Me: I'll start eating fish when they stop smelling like your gym shorts.
Sissy: Oh, that's nice.
Sissy: You know why fish live longer than many land animals?
Me: I don't care.
Sissy: Because they eat fish.
Me: Uh, I'm not even a scientist and I know that's not true.
Sissy: It is so.
Me: It's because they're more hydrated.
Me: Hydrated. It's the water.
Sissy: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Me: Maybe you should tell Michelle Obama she's stupid, then.
Sissy: She's talking about children, not fish.
Me: I'm pretty sure she's referring to all living things, Einstein.
Sissy: Okay, I'm done.
Me: Don't get mad.
Me: Hey look, a trouser trout! (Gestures)
Sissy: You're a pig. I hate you.
Me: Oh, go eat a school of dolphins.
Sissy: Bastard! (throws box of Goldfish, cries)
Anyway, Sissy locked herself in the bathroom for over an hour until I apologized and promised to take her to Long John Silvers at least three times a week. If she's right, we should both easily live to a hundred.