Mother's Day

Sunday was Mother's Day, and as usual we took Bambi, my girlfriend Sissy's mom, out to eat at her favorite place. I've never seen Golden Corral so busy - we had to wait for over an hour to get a table. It's no secret that Bambi is a large woman and if you've ever eaten at this place you know that it's a virtual magnet for the Bambis of the world, and tonight was no exception. 

We no sooner got in the door than Bambi made a beeline for the buffet, elbowing several older individuals aside. I noticed Sissy was right there to help her mother, which almost made me tear up, being Mother's Day and all. Bambi and Sissy swept over the buffet like a human tsunami, leaving a wake of destruction and empty warming trays, much to the consternation of hapless diners behind them, including myself. 

I'm personally not a big fan of Golden Corral, as the last few times here we were asked to leave because Bambi took all the crab legs every time they brought them out, leaving none for the other 135 hungry patrons. Sitting next to Sissy's mom eating crab legs is like sitting next to a wood chipper, what with shards of crab shell flying all over the place. Luckily, Sissy likes the shell ("that's where the nutrition is") or I'd have to wear safety goggles just to be at the table with them! Anyway, this time they let Bambi off with several warnings and we were able to stay to desert, and that's when the curse of Golden Corral reared its ugly head.

The pot of gold at the end of the Golden Corral rainbow is, of course, the "Chocolate Wonderfall" - a towering, several tier fountain burping a cascading flow of something masquerading as liquefied chocolate. GC goes to great lengths to keep people from actually touching the "chocolate" by having a sneeze guard blocking it and placing the fountain of poop far enough back where you can only reach it by spearing whatever you wish to "chocolate" on the supplied long sticks. While these safeguards are relatively effective at thwarting eight-year-olds, they're no match for a middle-aged woman with a GED and a love of chocolate bordering on insanity.

Bambi brought a bunch of skewers back to the table and pressed them on a strip of duct tape she had brought, creating a sturdy little bridge that she then proceeded to span from the Chocolate Wonderfall to her gaping pie hole as she squatted in front the counter. By the time management escorted her away, the Wonderfall was sputtering, Bambi looked like she'd been Frenching Count Chocola,  and a number of people appeared to be nauseated. A worker roped-off the Wonderfall with crime tape signalling the end of another Mother's Day at Golden Corral.

Despite a lifetime ban from Golden Corrals everywhere, Bambi had a great Mother's Day. The bad news is she was hospitalized Monday with E-Coli thanks to some tainted crab legs she smuggled out in her underwear. Live and learn, I guess.