The Cocker Effect

Okay, I'll be the first to admit I haven't been providing an abundance of material for this site lately. It's not that I don't want to write, or have nothing to write about because I can always make something up. No, the reason I haven't felt like writing is simply because of what I call the "Cocker Effect."

The Cocker Effect (CE for short) is the result of what happens when you order a Cocker Spaniel to do something. This particular animal's compliance is inversely proportional to the command given. For instance, you say to your Cocker "come here." The Cocker will give you that flippant "FU, meatstick" glance, then looks away, prompting you to repeat the command in an escalating tone and volume until you either give up, start crying, or the dog senses impending corporal punishment, at which time he/she finally acquiesces, always with the quickness of a glacier. This is what Cocker Spaniels do to remind you that you are not the boss of them.

Anyway, all I've heard for days from my girlfriend Sissy is that I've got to write something for this site. She mentioned it three times before I even had breakfast this morning, for God's sake. I have absolutely no idea what me writing or not writing something has to do with Sissy, but every minute I'm not writing is clearly strengthening her determination to somehow make me, and it's really pissing me off:

Sissy: You haven't written anything for days.

Me: So, what?

Sissy: Don't you think you owe your readers something to read since they're still coming to the site? 

Me: Don't you think you owe it to me to stop nagging me about writing something?

Sissy: Scooter Van Neuter, don't you Cocker me.

Me: Until you get rid of that fungus, I don't even want to.

Sissy: You know what I mean. What about your readers?

Me: They're hardly "readers" if there's nothing to read. I'd call them "lookers."

Sissy: That's the problem.

Me: What they want to call themselves is not my problem, dammit!

Sissy: You're an idiot.

Me: Go eat a moose.

Sissy: I hate you.

Me: Good, that means you won't eat me.

Sissy: Bastard!!! (throws donut at me, cries)