Deep State

I don't have to tell you that since the election, getting anything accomplished has become nearly impossible, thanks to the subverting efforts of the "deep state."

An example in point: This morning I woke up and as usual, turned on the Mr. Coffee, then went outside to bring in the newspaper. Imagine my surprise when I came in to find the coffeemaker dead. Knowing it's a Black & Decker product approaching two-months-old, I assumed it had burned out but then noticed the switch was turned off(!) This had now happened approximately 15 times over the last few months, and I was starting to smell a rat.

After a brief search, I found the dead rat in my folded newspaper and like the one I discovered behind my favorite chair last week, it reeked of Giorgio Beverly Hills perfume which just happens to be my girlfriend Sissy's favorite scent. I also noticed that a front page photo of President Trump in the paper had been childishly defaced with devil horns and goatee - as a newsman, nothing makes me madder than a violation of the free press. 

These incidents, combined with others (Charmin replaced with single ply, jean zippers Super Glued shut, "Homo Hunter" bumper sticker on my car, etc.) have proven beyond a doubt that I am dealing with a "deep state" in my household that wants to see me fail. My suspicions have fallen on two individuals, or at least one individual and one semi-individual: Sissy and Mr. Jangles, our cat.

Early in the presidential campaign, Sissy was a Trump supporter (here, here) but when the presents stopped coming he took a stand on something she didn't agree with, She threw her considerable weight (I don't mean pounds here, I mean "liking") behind Hillary.

As for Mr. Jangles, I'm 99% sure he's a progressive liberal - the worst kind. He lays around all day doing absolutely nothing, relying on me to give him everything he needs. He displays an obvious aversion to religion (hisses at Benny Hinn and Joyce Meyer on TV), is constantly stoned out of his gourd on catnip, and urinates and poops all over the place like a San Diego street person or illegal alien. As if I needed more proof, immediately after the election I found my "Make America Great Again" cap in the cat box covered with poop. While I love Mr. Jangles dearly, I hate his politics and have taken to cruelly taunting him at every opportunity.

So anyway, like President Trump, I find myself battling an invisible enemy in my midst that is tirelessly working behind the scenes to frustrate my ability to do literally anything, just because their pathetically retarded candidate, Hillary Clinton, lost.

But also like our president, I'm not going to take this lying down. Starting immediately, I'm taking to social media where I intend to Tweet whatever comes into my mind after I've had several margaritas. They wanted a fight, a fight they will have.