It's common knowledge that my girlfriend Sissy and myself are very ecologically sensitive, and therefore obviously distraught over President Trump pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Accord. We've decided to join thousands of other Americans in individually working to make a difference in one last ditch effort to curtail the very real possibility of thousands of sad polar bears floating around on tiny melting icebergs.
Here's a preliminary list of steps we've taken:
Turn up the thermostat: Raising the thermostat several degrees will result in a tremendous saving of electricity. In order to remain comfortable, Sissy came up with the ingenious idea of leaving the freezer door open on the fridge - it works.
Dress cooler: In order to tolerate higher temperatures in our now energy efficient home, I have enacted a dress code where I wear lightweight nylon shorts, wife-beater tee-shirt, and sandals. Sissy (and her sister when she comes over) wear pasties, hemp thongs, and stiletto high heels. On those rare occasions when Sissy's mom drops by, I fashioned a futuristic and lightweight outfit from several large green Hefty bags.
Save water: I have effectively reduced the size of our backyard by setting up a large swimming pool, easily cutting the amount of water needed to water the grass by at least half or more. In order to save water inside the home, I have turned off the water feed and removed the top of the toilet, allowing me to do my business in the tank. When it gets full, I just flush as normal.
I believe this technique of using waste water to flush may be one of the most significant conservation breakthroughs in the last century (lest you get any ideas, I have already applied for a patent). I am presently working on mounting a nice toilet seat on the top of the tank so Sissy can participate in saving our planet, too.
I'm also working on using cat poop to cook our food, creating an alternative energy source using our car to power a generator, and more. Stay tuned.
My innovative Eco toilet.