Some of you may have heard that Sissy and I had a falling out, and I'm here to confirm that when I find out who on my staff leaked this information, there will be consequences including one or more of the following: Lawsuits, firings, physical violence, vicious rumors spread, fake porn photos posted, extortion, home and car egging, threatening late-night phone calls, burning bags of poop left on porch, workplace bullying, and whatever else I can think up. Just know that your actions brought these things upon yourself, not me.
Anyway, the truth is Sissy and me did separate amicly amiacly amiacaly in a friendly manner. While I'm not going to air our dirty laundry in public, let's just say Sissy's laundry was anything but clean, especially that purple thong which in itself would qualify as an EPA Superfund Site. Combine that with her pathetic lack of patriotism, and it's no secret why I moved out last week.
Living by myself after being with someone for so long has been hard. Each day is a bottomless abyss of despair and loneliness, marked by frequent sobbing, drinking to forget, and the inevitable accompanying episodes of flagrant self-abuse. The good news is I'm once again finding myself - sometimes four or five times a day - and the backyard shed is surprising homey if you don't mind sleeping with a Ryobi cordless grass trimmer up your butt or using a toolbox as a toilet.
Ultimately, I finally felt I was strong enough to move on with my life, so I made the decision to start dating again. After my last relationship, I was determined to do things right - no more picking up women in park bathrooms or drainage culverts. I was more than a little apprehensive about using an online dating service, but so far Craigslist has not disappointed! My current girlfriend, Mystee, is very exotic looking and rocks a gigantic, gelatinous pooper that makes Kim Kardashian look like an anorexic 10-year-old boy! Plus, Mystee understands me like Sissy never did, and outside of having a small penis (which could easily be surgically removed), she's twice the woman Sissy could ever hope to be. Mystee, you complete me (picture me pointing to Mystee then making two halves of a 'heart' with my hands that I slowly bring together while softly weeping).
Life sometimes throws us curveballs and this last one hit me in the nuts so hard I nearly puked. I will always have feelings for Sissy, but it's time for her to also spread her wings, and thanks to whoever that black guy was that moved in minutes after we separated, it sounds like those wings are being spread like nobody's business. As for me, it's time for me to be me and for me to start living for myself and myself only - finding my own way, forging my own path, setting my own course in life as I finally put myself first for a change. With Mystee's guidance, that's exactly what I'm going to do, so help me God.
My new girlfriend Mystee