Holy cow, I don't even know where to begin.
Last week I shared the awful news that I had contracted the coronavirus. Well, as it turned out, I actually had an STD and after some antibiotics and ointment, I'm doing much better. The bad news is that my girlfriend Sissy may have picked up the coronavirus while buying my medicine!
Sissy went to Walgreens on Saturday and said it was even more of a leper colony than usual, with sick-looking people hacking and coughing all over the place. Sure enough, by Monday morning she felt horrible, prompting me to jump into action. I knew from watching the news that I had to immediately shelter Sissy in place before she killed our whole neighborhood.
I quickly converted the guest bedroom into a suitable quarantine area - blocking off the AC/heating vents, putting screws into the outside window frame so the window could open just wide enough to slide in a plate of food, and finally, cutting a 4' hole through the wall so she could access the hall bathroom. I screwed the bathroom door shut and sealed it with duct tape.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a sandwich and some Ding Dongs, walked past Sissy on the couch and went into the guest bedroom where I laid them on the bed and waited. Right on cue, Sissy came in and went for the sandwich as I quickly closed the door behind her and screwed it shut, then hermetically sealed it with duct tape, creating a secure quarantine area rivaling any third world hospital.
After stuffing her diseased pie hole, Sissy cursed me as she violently pounded the door. While her cruel comments were in perfect English, I knew it was the Chinese flu talking. I went outside and told her through the window that I loved her and was merely following CDC guidelines. I also told her I would cut off her food supply and lob a stink bomb through the window if she didn't watch her filthy mouth.
It's now Wednesday afternoon and thanks to my efforts, the cat and I have never felt better. The freezing temperatures in the back bedroom are hopefully killing the coronavirus and Sissy is being a real trooper, staying hydrated by drinking gallons of box wine and keeping her strength up by eating canned ham and Ding Dongs. While I think her fever is better, the meat thermometer we have on hand isn't very accurate and Sissy will hardly use it, complaining it's causing anal discomfort and bleeding - what a baby!
The only hiccup has been the fact that Sissy's bathroom ran out of toilet paper yesterday. Thankfully, the bathroom rug is one of those soft, fuzzy ones so I don't see a problem other than the fact it will likely need to be replaced. The good news is I've used this alone time to thoroughly disinfect the rest of the house, buy new furniture, and meet some great girls on Craigslist - you know, just in case.
They say that adversity is the true test of one's faith and despite Sissy's poor attitude, I continue to have all the faith in the world that she'll either get better or I'll find a new hottie with enormous boobs :)