Election 2024: Civil War In Our Home

I'm not going to lie, my life has turned into a living hell since my girlfriend Sissy became a volunteer for Kamala Harris(!) last week.

It's not that I care who she thinks will make the best president, it's the fact that Sissy knows absolutely nothing about politics and has only voted once in her life - a traumatic experience that left her embarrassed and shamed when a poll worker made her cast her vote in the bathroom after her gelatinous pooper substantial derriere made it impossible to close the curtain in the little voting booth. 

With that in mind, you're probably asking what happened to make Sissy so captivated with a mouth-breathing retard politician like Kamala that she'd actually volunteer? Is it because Kamala is a woman? I doubt it, as Sissy seems to hate both men and women equally. Is it Kamala's political position? Maybe, if Sissy had any idea what they are.

So why is my girlfriend devoting much of her snack/nap time to electing this woman? Answer: Donald Trump. For no identifiable reason, Sissy absolutely hates Donald Trump with a passion usually reserved for vegetables. Seriously, it's like living with Robert De Niro, if Robert De Niro were to be a female the size of a parade float.

My mom thinks Sissy is doing this to punish me, but those two have never really got along ever since she caught Sissy and me doing the nasty on top of her doll collection. Yes, I do have quite a few Trump posters up in the house, and yes, I did get a large tattoo of a topless Melania on my thigh. I may also now wear my hair a certain way (literally ALL of my female friends think it's the bomb). Maybe I have spent most of our money traveling to Trump campaign stops as well as having to undergo costly PTSD therapy since the Butler, Pennsylvania event a few weeks ago. And yes, I may or may not have Sissy accidentally wear that Stormy Daniels mask occasionally/regularly on date nights, but that's hardly reason to spit in my face by supporting a politician with the IQ of a Roomba whose breath reportedly still smells like Willie Brown's pecker.

To add insult to injury, I've now got to deal with Sissy's new friends - a motley collective of effeminate men and fat chicks with hairy underarms and goatees - yech. Last Saturday, Sissy and a bunch of these commie retards individuals held an impromptu rally for Palestine in our backyard. I countered by wearing a yarmulke and pelting them with undercooked matzo balls at least until one big dude with boobs chased me out of my own yard. I came back later to an urban liberal utopia: My Trump posters destroyed, trash, drug paraphernalia, feces, and urine everywhere, my stereo, sneakers, and watch missing, and worst of all, Sissy scissoring my attacker on our brand new pleather couch - GROSS. That's it, I was done.

Since then I've been living in the garage and even with the extreme temperatures, it's better than sharing space with a hulking woke pinhead whose vision for America includes a pantsuit-wearing cackling bimbo. And oh yeah, my new girlfriend bears an uncanny resemblance to Kimberly Guilfoyle, if she had smaller tits, a lazy eye, and shorter legs - SUCK ON THAT, commie-wannabe Sissy : )